


just one glimpse of relief (to make sense of what you've seen)

by asahijpeg



Series: snktober month 2020 [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Armin Arlert Finds the Ocean, Canon Compliant, Gen, Thinking About the Future, armin contemplating life, day one: favorite character, snktober, snktober 2020, the ocean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:54:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26736958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asahijpeg/pseuds/asahijpeg
Summary: "i shouldn't be here."in which armin, sitting alone on the beach, reflects on his life so far and thinks about the future.
Series: snktober month 2020 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1945990
Kudos: 4
Collections: SNKTOBER Month 2020





	just one glimpse of relief (to make sense of what you've seen)

the sounds of tiny waves lapping against now chilled grains of sand is a sound he’s already used to, armin finds. it’s quickly become a source of comfort for him, this water softly crashing upon water, in such a short amount of time, setting his soul and heart at ease, taking refuge in the calmness of it. everyone has long since left him at the tide’s edge, giving him the space to just sit on the sand and let cool salt water wash over his feet.

seeing the ocean has been a dream of his for years, though at this point he’s lost count of how many have actually passed since thoughts of this scene started taking over his every moment. regardless, it’s surreal, sitting in the sand and looking out across a seemingly never ending expanse of water, something he always thought impossible, some powderkeg idea sitting empty in the back of his mind.

silvery moonlight sets the water perfectly ablaze with white, a choppy and uneven reflection shining in the darkness of navy blue liquid. paired with the sound of waves splashing gently against the shore, armin can’t think of a more serene moment. to him, there’s just something so tranquil about finally being able to experience this, despite a feeling of emptiness that seems to overwhelm his chest, a painful tightening as he gazes out across the field of waves, tremoring water that crashes so softly upon the beach.

sand bites at the blond’s palms as he leans back on his arms, letting his face tilt up towards the night sky, a dark blue that matches the water so flawlessly, making an easy transition on the horizon where sky and ocean meet seamlessly. just the same, salt pricks the back of his eyes until he’s fully welling up, tears threatening to spill over his water lines. they blur star specks together until all he sees is navy blue and silver bleeding into one another messily.

as he pauses there, letting the sand and the salt sting him, his mind begins to wander all over the place: when he first learned about the ocean, when he showed eren, when the two boys promised to each other to see the outside world one day  _ together _ . all he can do in the moment is let the memories wash over him, bad and good, and let them mix with the emotions he feels for having finally,  _ finally _ made it to the ocean.

it’s all bittersweet in his mouth, a cold sharpness in his chest, as he replays the last five years in his head. everything from losing his parents to losing shiganshina to losing losing  _ winning _ , joining the survey corps and the victory of saving trost, even at the expense of friends and comrades. losing seems to be a more common theme in his life, his family and his home and his friends, but every loss only serves to highlight the wins he’s experienced since then.

including that of escaping his own death.

and the thought hits him like a suckerpunch.

_ i shouldn’t be here. _

just the idea starts to seep into every vein and crevice of his body, this burning chill of realization tainting every part of him until his arms are giving out and he falls back against the sand, clear blue eyes focused only on the stars and night sky above him. it’s a thought he’s dealt with before, this survivor’s guilt he feels, invasive and foreign, something he’s learned to ignore in the days since levi chose him over erwin, saved a cadet rather than the commander.

_ you could never replace erwin _ .

he doesn’t want to, doesn’t even want to entertain the  _ idea _ of it. it hasn’t been long since the loss of erwin and the instatement of hanji as the new survey corps commander, but instead, armin entertains the idea of what life would be like if levi had picked erwin over him.

would eren’s convictions change? would they have a better chance at victory? would this happen, would that happen? what would change if he had been left to die like he’d planned, anything to further the success of their mission, even if it meant a painful death and leaving behind the people who mattered to him most?

vibrant blue eyes slip closed, letting tears slide down his temples and into the sand and hair below his head, as he pictures life without him: levi feeling less guilty about his decisions, hanji taking more time to recovery from her wound, erwin planning the next most stable steps for the scouts’ mission. 

_ so many happy things _ , he thinks to himself, smiling at the idea, but then his mind slips to the flip side of the coin.

mikasa beside herself with grief, his friends failing to find the happiness in finally seeing the ocean like he’d always wanted, eren refusing to cooperate any longer, rendering everything they’d ever done completely useless…

an uneasy calm washes over him as he opens his eyes to look up at the stars, trailing his fingertips through the soft sand underneath him. water continues to lap at his toes and feet and he breathes in the cool, salty air, anchoring him to the moment.

never once has he been genuinely glad to be the one to receive the serum, given the second chance at life, and despite levi telling him not to regret it, every once in a while, he does. he wishes that erwin had been given the injection instead, the second chance to lead and bring victory to fruition; according to floch, other people agreed that erwin should have been the one to survive, so why shouldn’t armin  _ agree _ ?

but as he lays here on the shore, cold ocean water washing over his feet reminding him that he finally fulfilled his personal life’s dream, he begins to wonder why he feels the need to believe floch’s words. getting a second chance, being able to help reach a final victory for humanity, to make sure his best friend stays on path and help the cause… he wonders why floch can’t see that maybe armin was the  _ only _ choice to make in that split second moment, the only way to make sure that they really could secure an overall victory.

a briney breeze catches off the ocean and blows over him, stirring the hair that rests against his forehead and cheeks, and he finally brings himself to sit up, pressing his heels back into the sharp grains of sand. he basks in the chill of the ocean at night, the coldness of it all, and he imagines the future he now faces. 

there’s a finality to his thoughts, the future bringing about all kinds of ends. he likes the way his mind visualizes so many happy endings for his friends like it’s trying to set him at ease, this glimpse of knowing that everybody and everything will be okay in the end; he knows that it’s a long shot, that people are going to die no matter what, but even so, the thought of living in a world where they’re free and safe, living happily, gives him a serene kind of relief, one he couldn’t obtain from anything else  _ but _ imagining potentially impossible futures.

and as he sits here, legs stretched out in front of him, arms keeping him anchored in the sand, moonlight washing over him just as waves break over his feet, his dream of seeing the ocean finally a reality, armin hopes that this is exactly where his future leads him back to. even after everything, all the bad things he’s done, all the things he  _ will _ do, he hopes his future leads him right back here, back to his own personal paradise.

**Author's Note:**

> title from "epiphany" by taylor swift, folklore (2020)
> 
> day one complete! armin has been my favorite character since episode one and over the years, i've come to love him even more. seeing what he's been through in recent content absolutely breaks my heart. i wanted to write my own take on what happens after the season 3 finale and contemplate on armin's thoughts about things that happen in season 3, specifically levi choosing him over erwin, because we don't really get to see how armin feels about it and i thought it would be an interesting thing to explore.
> 
> find me on twitter @90SUGAWARA and on tumblr @asahijpeg !


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